The “If I write it down maybe I’ll feel better” post

I may not survive the summer. There. I said it. I love my children and love spending time with them, and theoretically summer should be great. The days should stretch ahead of us with no cares, no obligations, no worries. The reality has been a stinging opposite of my expectations. First, we have something planned every day. Of the entire month of June. Which sucks. I know plenty of moms who schedule weeks of camps for their kids, but that wasn’t my intention. I relished the chance to wake up and lounge around until we decided what to do that day. Instead we have been rushing out the door every morning for something or another.

I’m also struggling with the whole Asperger’s thing. In order to make the transition to summer easier for Jett I am really having to change who I am as a parent. What works for him goes entirely against my grain. I am not a schedule person. He is. I like to be spontaneous. He doesn’t. I’m not one for routine and predictability, and well… you know the end of this sentence. In order to be the parent Jett needs I’m losing a bit of myself. (And I’m afraid the part I’m losing is the bit in between my ears. I found myself pouring juice in my cereal bowl and putting the milk in the pantry just yesterday)

I actually tried to go to my doctor yesterday. I took all three kids with me (because that’s what you do when you have them all home for the summer). I tried to have a conversation with him while Jett threw a magazine at Carlos and Letty kept turning the lights on and off. And you know what? He told me to come home and put them down for a nap “so I could get myself a little break”. Oh, is that all I need? Great. I could have learned that from the lady who checks our groceries. What I was hoping for from him was some pharmaceuticals. Guess I’ll have to just stick with the wine.

The long-termness of Jett’s, I don’t know, condition, is what is killing me right now. After talking to his therapist the other night (and let’s face it – she’s helping me at least as much as she’s helping him) I will be doing this work with him for a long time. Some of it is never going to sink in. It’s not like his brain is going to rewire itself. Yes, in some ways he will improve, but he still will have a hard time adapting. He’s still going to need a “mommy” a little longer than the other two.

We joke that 2010 has been a bitch of a year. And it has been. Some days I feel there isn’t enough chocolate, whiskey, wine, or sewing to get through it all. And just when it feels like that, some moment will happen when we all have a belly laugh over something. Maybe Letty or Jett said something funny. Or maybe Carlos mooned us. Whatever it was, tears are still pouring down our cheeks. But this time it’s ok.

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About morelikeaveragemom

I'm a stay home mom with 3 kids. I am simply figuring it out as I go.
This entry was posted in Autism / Asperger Syndrome, Mothering. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The “If I write it down maybe I’ll feel better” post

  1. Anne says:

    I love your candid and insightful thoughts today. You are an amazing mommy…just the perfect match for each one of your children.

  2. Lauren says:

    I’m giving you a huge hug right now and lifting you up to our Savior.

    He’ll give you the grace when you need it.

    I love you, friend.

  3. Rhiannon says:

    I’m lifting you up to the liquor store…are we still doing bourbon or do you want something lighter? I feel there needs to be some sort of LaChance care package.

  4. Jeanie says:

    I just got an herbal remedy that they call “liquid valium” (of course, that’s not the technical name). Anyway, it was $15. I’ll let you know how it is. Apparently it’s Rescue Remedy on steroids….

  5. Debbie says:

    I’m singing the same blues but in a different situation.
    Yes, I agree, we are mother and love our kids and the time we spend with them. My kids are wonderful until they are all home for summer… and they begin the routine of picking on each other, hurt each other’s feeling, disobey, yell at each other, talk back and complain as if they do not have nothing to do…What do you MEAN you don’t have anything to do? There is a library in the house, toys of all types and kinds, art supplies hanging out of the drawers, computers and cell phones, not to mention the POOL and YOU don’t have anything to do???? Seriously, I want to pack every single thing they own and put it away, empty the pool for remodeling and than just maybe they will begin to realize how much they have. Of course I don’t follow up with it because I refuse to make my life any more stressful.
    To make things even “better”, we are paying off our debts this year and have NO money for camps, trips or outings.
    I’m sorry, but I cannot believe on anybody with more than two kids that would say they “love” being home with them every day, all the time. It’s 3 months of this, everyday, I mean everyday!
    Sometimes I just want to cry.
    Julie, I am ever so sorry to know that Jack has Asperger’s syndrome. It sucks! I’m sorry; there is no other better way to say it. All I can think of hand is to take advantage of the support system you guys have, and do not feel bad about it. It happens to every parent one way or another. You are not alone on this one believe me.
    As far as your Doctor, you should have handed him the key and told him to take them home and put the kids down for a nap himself. Find a female Doctor and in case she is a woman already, she probably has never had kids or she is an idiot, plain and simple.
    My point is, no matter what we have planned for our kids over the summer, the results are the same. The feeling that you do not have time for yourself, that you live for them and that you are loosing yourself is universal. Call me anytime, I’m home and any adult interaction is welcomed!

  6. metalmommy says:

    Hey there–thank you so much for adding my blog to your blog roll! (Finding Borneo) I am honored. I will do the same!

    I’m new to your blog, so I have to ask…how old is your Aspie? When did he get diagnosed? I so know what you are going through.–Susie

    • You’re welcome. I like reading about Scout. Gives me hope for the future, you know? My guy is 7 (just turned in May). He got diagnosed at the end of the school year, so I guess it’s been about 6 weeks now.

  7. Suz says:

    Oooh, you’re in that tough place when it’s all new. It feels very overwhelming. Please let me know if you ever have any questions, I’ll be happy to try to answer them!

    Thank you so much for your kind words about my blog, that really means so much to me. That’s the reason I write it, to hopefully touch someone going through the same or similar stuff. The fact that I can make you feel hopeful is the best compliment I could get.

    I have to ask, how did you find me??

  8. Suz – I was referred to your blog by a friend, though I can’t remember who just now!

    The overwhelming part is exactly that. A few weeks ago I picked up the Tony Atwood book (Complete Guide to Asperger’s) and it just made it all seem so serious and made it sink in that this is a forever deal. Though once I put that book down and have gotten some distance it’s gotten easier. How old is your son now?

  9. Suz says:

    Omgosh, did you happen to see how I wrote on my ‘about’ page that reading Tony Atwood’s book put me totally in a funk??? Seriously, that book should be banned for at least a year after getting your diagnosis. As a matter of fact, I’ve never gone back to it.

    Scout is 9. Just finished 3rd grade. Yours is seven?

    • I did see that! I was going to comment, but I don’t think I saw a comment section. The part that got me was where he says he knows exactly how to make all Asperger symptoms disappear, and that’s to put the kid in their room by themselves and leave them play alone. That they will be happier in there, and you won’t be bothered by their social awkwardness. OMG – what a horrible thing for a mother to read. Tears just started pouring down my face as I read that, it seems so darn lonely. And THAT’S when I put that dumb book away.

      Oh – and my guy just finished 1st grade. In the fall we are going to pursue Special Ed classification for him. Fun, fun.

  10. Suz says:

    Good girl. That book was the impetus behind ‘my son has Asperger’s and all I got was this lousy handbook’.! I swear all of us Aspie moms should get together and have a book burning party. ha!

    Hearing your child needs ‘special ed’ is a tough one. Of course today it’s totally different than when I was young, but still. It’s a stigma. On one hand you are thrilled they qualify and are getting the help, on the other…it’s a stigma. But overall, it is a good thing. I know the help Scout has had has helped him and he actually enjoys it.

  11. akbutler says:

    I totally get where you are coming from about summer – I am not a schedule person either, especially in summertime, and my little guy SO needs it. Every day since school ended has been a constant struggle to plan, change plan, and plan again. Goes against every part of me. Yet I know this is what he needs and it makes the day so much better when we do have a plan. (Not to promote my blog stuff but I wrote about the same thing – on the same day – as you did at http://trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com/2010/06/16/schools-out/)
    You are not alone 🙂
    Alysia

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