I may not survive the summer. There. I said it. I love my children and love spending time with them, and theoretically summer should be great. The days should stretch ahead of us with no cares, no obligations, no worries. The reality has been a stinging opposite of my expectations. First, we have something planned every day. Of the entire month of June. Which sucks. I know plenty of moms who schedule weeks of camps for their kids, but that wasn’t my intention. I relished the chance to wake up and lounge around until we decided what to do that day. Instead we have been rushing out the door every morning for something or another.
I’m also struggling with the whole Asperger’s thing. In order to make the transition to summer easier for Jett I am really having to change who I am as a parent. What works for him goes entirely against my grain. I am not a schedule person. He is. I like to be spontaneous. He doesn’t. I’m not one for routine and predictability, and well… you know the end of this sentence. In order to be the parent Jett needs I’m losing a bit of myself. (And I’m afraid the part I’m losing is the bit in between my ears. I found myself pouring juice in my cereal bowl and putting the milk in the pantry just yesterday)
I actually tried to go to my doctor yesterday. I took all three kids with me (because that’s what you do when you have them all home for the summer). I tried to have a conversation with him while Jett threw a magazine at Carlos and Letty kept turning the lights on and off. And you know what? He told me to come home and put them down for a nap “so I could get myself a little break”. Oh, is that all I need? Great. I could have learned that from the lady who checks our groceries. What I was hoping for from him was some pharmaceuticals. Guess I’ll have to just stick with the wine.
The long-termness of Jett’s, I don’t know, condition, is what is killing me right now. After talking to his therapist the other night (and let’s face it – she’s helping me at least as much as she’s helping him) I will be doing this work with him for a long time. Some of it is never going to sink in. It’s not like his brain is going to rewire itself. Yes, in some ways he will improve, but he still will have a hard time adapting. He’s still going to need a “mommy” a little longer than the other two.
We joke that 2010 has been a bitch of a year. And it has been. Some days I feel there isn’t enough chocolate, whiskey, wine, or sewing to get through it all. And just when it feels like that, some moment will happen when we all have a belly laugh over something. Maybe Letty or Jett said something funny. Or maybe Carlos mooned us. Whatever it was, tears are still pouring down our cheeks. But this time it’s ok.