Melancholy rainy day

I am alone in my house for the first time since we moved. Since July 7th. And instead of relishing it, I’m quietly freaking out.

The July 7th date is just what I can remember, but since Letty was born I haven’t had a day to myself that wasn’t carefully orchestrated. A few hours here or there, planned with a babysitter or friend so I could have lunch out, or visit a doctor or dentist by myself. Other than that, I have had at least one child, usually two or three as my constant companions.

Now with the boys at least quasi-permanently ensconced in public school and Letty tucked away in preschool several mornings a week I find myself alone, at the kitchen table, listening to the rain.

I can’t even enjoy it.

It’s not that I don’t have plenty to occupy myself. The house alone could take up all the hours I have available. There is always cleaning, laundry, toys to go through, closets to clean out. We are also two days past due on grocery shopping. I could do that. Instead I sit here, nervous energy coursing through me.

I realized, driving home from Letty’s school, this marks a transition for me. As teachers and friends fill my children’s needs more and more during the day, I feel less needed. My job for the last 8 years is being downsized, a corporate restructuring if you will.

I also know myself, and as this change becomes more comfortable I will fill my days. I will volunteer at the kids’ schools, and I will make time for seeing friends. I may do a little sewing and a little blogging. I may even get the house clean and those closets organized.

Today I’m going to listen to the rain. I’m going to sit with the alone-ness and appreciate it for what it is.

 

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About morelikeaveragemom

I'm a stay home mom with 3 kids. I am simply figuring it out as I go.
This entry was posted in Mothering. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Melancholy rainy day

  1. Lauren says:

    The first time alone in all that time. The silence must be deafening! Praying you will be able to take advantage of the silence- to become comfortable in it and relish in it- that He will meet you there! What a winding road you’re on right now…where will He take you next?!

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